


We Haunt Ourselves

by washmymouthout



Category: Naruto
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Character Death, F/M, Falling In Love, Grief/Mourning, Healing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-06 06:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15880062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/washmymouthout/pseuds/washmymouthout
Summary: Sakura finds Kakashi in her kitchen, moving her things around, and generally being annoying. This normally wouldn't have upset her in the slightest, except she could see through him and he had died a week ago.





	1. All the Things You Never Told Me

The Copy Ninja dies of pneumonia while out on a month-long mission. 

When Naruto calls Sakura in to his office to tell her, she laughs – “Kakashi’s probably playing a prank on us and taking a vacation.” – before going home. Kakashi isn’t dead. He’s one of those people that _always_ gets critically wounded, sure, but he doesn’t die. Legends don’t die, and certainly not without a fight. 

Sakura makes it halfway through making herself dinner before she hears the knock on her door. She opens the door, heart dropping as Naruto and Sai stand in her doorway, motionless and tired. It’s then that the reality hits her and she knows for sure. 

She watches Naruto’s mouth form the words, but she doesn’t hear him, and Sai catches her as her knees give out. 

Sakura buries her face in Sai’s neck as Naruto clings to her back, tears streaking his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Sakura. We tried to tell you. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Their sensei is well and truly gone.

Kakashi had shown no signs during the mission to indicate that he was sick. His complaint of chest pain and cough to Yamato is the only evidence they have that he was sick at all before they do the autopsy. 

Sakura volunteers to perform it. In a weird way, she doesn’t want anyone touching him like this, where he’s so vulnerable and open. The thought of people touching him makes her skin crawl. Someone could take advantage of him like this. 

She fully expects to find the work of some jutsu they’ve never seen before, something to have this make sense, but no, just fluid in his lungs. It really was just pneumonia. Something so incredibly curable if he had just said something to the medic on his team.

When she looks down at his dead body she feels strangely detached, as if she’s simply inspecting any other former patient. Although her fingers itch to, she can’t bring herself to remove his mask. He’s still her teacher.

She might be in shock.

The village mourns. 

Sakura is angry.

This is something she doesn’t think she’ll be able to get over. 

 

(break)

 

Kakashi’s funeral is cold and it rains the entire time. It’s fitting. 

Naruto gives the eulogy, stumbling over his words, and constantly having to clear his throat, but dignified all the same. He’s more poised as the Hokage than he would have been in any other circumstance, and she’s strangely proud of him for standing up and doing what she could not. Sakura is to Naruto’s left, with Sai to his right, and she can’t look at anyone or anything but the picture of Kakashi they have propped up. 

The entire village is in attendance, plus the other Kage and their entourages. Everyone wants to pay their respects to the former Hokage and war hero of the Leaf. People look at his former students with pity, and she doesn’t want it. Doesn’t want to have to talk to people and listen to their apologies and, “He was so young, even for a ninja, what a shame.” 

Sakura doesn’t even have to lift her head to know Guy-sensei is weeping uncontrollably, and she wants to beg him to be quiet, please, just stop crying, because with each sob her heart aches in a spectacular way that she didn’t know was possible. The immense grief in the crowd of people is palpable. She wonders if he would have any idea the amount of people that love and respect him. 

“Kakashi-sensei meant something special to each and every one of us in this village. I know he’s probably enjoying all the attention he’s getting and that he’s happy everyone could be here. Thank you all for coming out to honor our sensei. Sakura, Sai, and I appreciate it more than you know.” Naruto ends his speech with a nod, and the three of them watch as the crowd scatters. 

People try to come up to them to talk, but none of them are in the mood. Naruto is as polite as can be, thanking them and shaking hands, trying to get them to go away as soon as possible.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Sai asks, Naruto hovering. She can see in his face that he’s exhausted, but still trying to make sure she’s taken care of. They’re so good to her. 

“I’m okay. I’m just gonna talk to him for a little.” Sakura says tiredly. 

“We’ll have dinner sometime this week.” Sai says.

Naruto kisses her on the cheek, Sai following suit. “Okay. Let us know if you need anything.” He walks over to where Hinata is patiently waiting, and then she’s alone. 

The ground is wet and squishy as she walks in her heels to his grave. She places the red flower she’s been holding the whole time on top of it. She kneels down, ignoring the fact that her knees are getting muddy, and bends her head. 

“I hate you, you know.” Sakura says angrily to Kakashi’s grave. “You were always too proud to get checked out when you were hurt. I should have known that you would be stupid enough to ignore the signs of pneumonia. All the times you had the opportunity to die and you pick this way.”

She sighs, touching the headstone. “It wasn’t very manly, you know, and you didn’t look cool. I know you’d ask if you could.” For the first time since he died she feels her eyes begin to well up with tears. “You are extremely troublesome. You always have been. All these people came for you. You don’t deserve it. You’re supposed to be here with us.” 

The rain falls around her, and she’s wet and Kakashi would have made a joke out of that for sure and the fact that he’s can’t anymore makes her cry out loud. 

“You were supposed to be here for everything. There’s so much we haven’t done, haven’t talked about. Please, please come back, sensei.” 

Sakura doesn’t know how long she sits there and cries before she makes the agonizingly lonely walk home. 

 

(break)

 

Letting herself into the quietness of her apartment, Sakura lets her shoulders drop. Her feet hurt, and she can’t wait to do absolutely nothing for the next twelve hours until her shift. 

Living alone has its perks, and this is one of those times that she’s grateful. She’s so glad she doesn’t have to answer to a roommate, let alone a significant other. All she has to worry about right now is herself.

Sai lived with her for about a month when they were seventeen, but that hadn’t lasted long. He realized that he didn’t like having to worry about other people and their habits, as much as he claimed to love Sakura and appreciate her hospitality. She didn’t mind. She was used to being alone and has continued to be ever since.

Guys really don’t find her strength sexy. That’s okay, she’s too busy for a boyfriend anyway. Or so she tells herself.

She walks into her bedroom, shrugging off her wet coat and depositing it on the chair next to her vanity. Sighing, she decides she’s going to take a hot shower to try to relax. She unhooks her necklace and places it on her vanity before unzipping the back of her dress and stepping out of it, knowing that she’s going to need it dry cleaned. She grabs a clean pair of underwear from her dresser and leaves them on the chair before glancing over at her bed. 

That’s. Odd.

There’s a human sized dent in her bed, like someone’s been laying on it and just recently moved. She’s certain there’s no one in her apartment. Her front door was locked when she came back and all of the windows are still closed.

Did she cause that groove?

Sakura blinks a few times to make sure she’s not seeing things.

The shape looks too big to be her own body, and she knows it can’t possibly be her own imprint because she made that bed this morning.

She shivers and suddenly she’s freezing.

“Okay, crazypants. Into the shower, here we go.” Sakura says out loud to herself and backs away from her room, slamming the door to the bathroom behind her for good measure. 

 

(break)

 

Showering makes Sakura feel a shit ton better, but she’s exhausted and sleep sounds like the best thing in the world. Work resumes tomorrow for Sakura, Tsunade, and Shizune at the hospital, so she needs to at least try to be well rested. She’ll be absolutely no use to anyone dying if she’s tired.

She puts on her fluffy robe that she keeps hanging on the back of the bathroom door and shuffles out into her bedroom. She brushes her hair, puts moisturizer on, and looks down at the chair. 

Her panties are missing.

Her fucking panties are missing.

“Oh, my fucking god. No. Nope, fuck this.” Sakura says, voice borderline hysterical, head shaking frantically. “I’m just tired. I just thought I put them out. I’m going to bed. No. Absolutely not. Not today.”

Sakura grabs a new (maybe? who even knows?) pair of panties, puts them on, and climbs into bed. She buries her face into her pillow and falls asleep almost immediately. 

 

(break)

 

Sometime in the early morning Sakura wakes to a dark room and the feeling of someone else there with her. It’s weird, something that she can’t shake, even though she rationally knows no one is there. She can’t sense any other chakra, at least.

She lays there, unable to move yet, paralyzed by sleep or something else, she’s not sure.

Usually, she doesn’t remember her dreams, but this morning she does. 

Sakura was young in the dream. Everything was fast-moving, like someone pressed the fast-forward button. Her feet ran at top speed through a house that continued to get larger and larger the farther in she went. Around every corner she saw a boy with bouncing white hair beckoning her to him, giggling and antagonizing her when he realized she couldn’t keep up.  


She doesn’t know what that’s about. 

Her shift starts in three hours, so she decides to get up and have some coffee beforehand. No need to rush like she normally does. She deserves to do something nice for herself after what they’ve been through this week. Yawning, she walks out of her bedroom, not bothering to get dressed. She rubs her eyes, and when she blinks to clear them she almost can’t believe what she’s seeing. 

Kakashi is in her kitchen, moving her knickknacks and plants around, just like he used to when he was alive. At first, she’s worried that someone is impersonating him as a cruel joke, but then she realizes she can only see the lines of him. He’s not actually solid. He’s not actually a person. What the fuck. 

“Sensei?” She whispers, mouth hanging open. 

“Yo.” Kakashi smiles, tilting his head. 

Sakura stumbles backwards, grabbing onto her couch, and he looks concerned. “Sakura-chan?”

“What are you doing here?” 

“You know, I was hoping you could help me with that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! So, ghosts, right. Not very original, I know, but I've had the idea for this story for at least a year now and I just really wanted to write this. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be yet. Let me know what you think, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy the story!


	2. Who Walks Among the Famous Living Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the chapter titles are some random My Chemical Romance lyric because I never really grew out of my emo phase (but honestly, who did?).

Sakura is mortified. 

It’s not like he’s never seen her naked before. They were all too fucking close and tangled up in each other as a team to worry about modesty, and just because she was girl didn’t mean she was going to get special treatment. She’s seen their dicks more times than she cares to admit, and she knows better than to turn around when one of her boys calls her name because there is a ninety percent chance they’ll be bent over showing her their balls. Why boys always want to show everyone their junk, she’ll never understand. 

No, it’s that this (ghost? oh my god) Kakashi has been watching her this entire time, being a creeper and observing her without any shame. Has she done anything embarrassing? Of course she has. He’s watched her pick her wedgies and just be gross because she (DUH) thought no one was around. Oh, god, this was a line that even she wouldn’t have wanted to cross with him. 

This only shows that Kakashi is still as much of a pervert as Jiraiya-sama was, and obviously that doesn’t exclude adult former students. Their relationship was always just weird. Not that of a student and teacher, not quite romantic, and certainly not of a father and daughter. People called their friendship inappropriate simply because they didn’t actually know anything about them. Kakashi cared about her in a way that she could only hope others would experience in her lifetime. 

Sakura wouldn’t have had him any other way. 

Now fully clothed, Sakura sits on the couch, head tilted, staring at him in disbelief, while he sits (floats? can he even sit?) in the big plush chair on the opposite side of her coffee table. Her mouth hasn’t shut in the last ten minutes and her nails are digging into the palms of her hands.  


In the hour that she’s sat there staring at him, she’s felt some weird mix of terrified, ecstatic, and frustrated all at once. He’s here, somehow, and this can’t be real. People don’t come back from the dead and ghosts don’t exist. 

“How is this possible?” She asks. 

“I don’t have any clue. I died and then I woke up here a couple days later.” Kakashi replies. “I tried to talk to you the other day, but you didn’t listen.” He frowns. 

“Well I would have talked back if I had known you were there! Don’t act like I ignored you on purpose. You didn’t, like, go visit anyone else? Can you go anywhere else?” 

“I’ve just been here, waiting patiently for you to get your act together. You don’t even have _Icha Icha_ for me to read.” 

“I haven’t seen you, or even really felt you until last night.” She accuses. “And I don’t keep that smut in my house.” 

“You have those stupid, girly romance novels, so yes, you do.” Kakashi rolls his eyes. “I don’t think I was strong enough to show myself to you, to be honest. Today’s the first day I’ve felt this good.” 

Kakashi strokes his hand over his chin like he’s thinking, and her eyes narrow at him. He’s been here this whole time. She doesn’t understand why he would be in her house, _haunting_ her, when he could be with Naruto or Guy or some other more deserving person. Her mind is reeling, trying to decide if he’s real or if she’s lost it, for real this time. She wants to ask him to prove it, but she doesn’t know how that would be possible. 

But, wait. 

“You took my underwear.” Sakura states. 

“Yep.” Kakashi says, popping the p. “I like them. They’re see-through, like me.” 

“I thought I was crazy. You pranked me after your own funeral.” 

“Well, yeah, what else was I supposed to do? Read your shitty books? Sit around and be bored, hope that you decide to acknowledge my presence? No thanks.” 

“Where did you put them?” 

“Under this chair.” 

“You’re going to put them back.”

“You have plenty. Let an old man have his vice. Do you know how nice it’s been having a girl walk around naked unashamedly for the past week?” She feels her blood begin to boil. “Amazing, Sakura. It’s been amazing, and I’ve never felt more alive.” That’s it. Honestly. “Eh, eh? Get it, alive? I’m hilarious.” 

“Why are you like this even in death?” Sakura asks, hands shaking. 

“Uh, well it’s not like you can hit me anyway.” He says, tilting his face and crinkling his eyes. He’s absolutely charming, just like he’s always been, and she fucking hates it so much because she does want to hit him. 

“This is it. I’ve officially gone crazy.” Sakura wails in despair into her hands. “Tsunade’s gonna have to commit me and I’ll lose my job.” 

“Sakura, I’m really here.” 

“No one is going to believe me. They’re gonna think I’ve gone mad with grief. I’ll never get a boyfriend.” 

“Babygirl.” Kakashi says, sounding way too close to her face. 

Sakura opens her eyes and he’s next to her on the couch and she jumps in shock. “Don’t call me that.” 

Kakashi tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and her mind races because she _feels_ it. It’s cold. He feels so cold, when he was the warmest person she knew when he was alive. “Angel.” He stretches out the nickname to tease, like he doesn’t know how that hurts to hear, or just doesn’t care. 

Her eyes fill with tears. “You don’t get to die and still call me that.” She’s upset, and he knows it, she can tell, by the way his eyes crease in remorse. 

“You’ll always be my angel, though.”

“You’re the one that’s dead. How are you touching me?” She asks, staring. 

“I don’t know. Try touching me.” 

Sakura hesitates, trying to find the courage of her inner Sakura somewhere down deep. Realistically, she knows that he won’t hurt her and that there’s nothing to be afraid of. She mostly doesn't want to be disappointed. 

She takes a deep breath and holds it. He looks hopeful. Slowly, she lifts her hand up to his face, pausing for a moment, before trying to cup his jaw in her hand. Her fingers close around nothing, and her chest deflates. 

“Well that’s stupid.” She grunts. 

“Indeed. I was hoping for better results.” 

Looking up at the clock on her wall, she realizes that if she doesn’t leave now she’ll be late for work and then Tsunade will be pissed. She presses her face to her knees before standing up. “I have to go to work. Are you… will you be here when I get back?”

Kakashi smiles. “I’ll be here.” 

Sakura feels relieved, and then anxious, because what if he isn’t there when she comes home? How will it feel to lose him again? “Please don’t take any more of my underwear. I do actually need them.” 

“We’ll see. Go, before Tsunade has a fit.” 

“Bye, Kakashi-sensei.” Sakura says at the door, watching to make sure he doesn’t disappear before her eyes. 

“See ya, Angel.” Kakashi waves and it makes her feel the tiniest bit better. 

 

(break)

 

Kakashi liked to find ways to annoy Sakura when they were training, especially when she was doing something like pushups or sparring with one of the boys. He always said she wasn’t focused enough, always watching Naruto or Sai (and a long, long time ago Sasuke), and just not putting her heart into it. She’d tried to argue with him, because she _never_ wanted to fall behind them, but he never let her get away with anything. 

There was absolutely no special treatment. Kakashi was going to find the best way to fuck with her to get her to focus. He didn’t ever say it out loud, but he wanted her to be at her full potential. 

So, when Kakashi would notice Sakura beginning to complain and slow down, he saw this as a perfect opportunity to get back at her. At first, he’d tried whistling, which she was able to just ignore. Then he threw things at her, like rocks or his book if he was feeling particularly vicious. She hit him hard enough to break his nose, and he didn’t throw things at her after that. 

Finally, some months later, he had settled on catcalling her with stupid nicknames. 

It was summertime, and extremely hot, and sweat dripped down her brow as she did one handed push-ups. She could hear Naruto and Sai sparring behind them, whooping and hollering at each other. They were louder when they got along, and it was a relief without the fighting. 

“Puddin’?” He suggested from behind _Icha Icha Violence_. 

“Gross.” She panted. 

“Sweetie?”

She rolled her eyes “You sound like my grandmother.”

“Pumpkin?” He asked.

“Hmm.” Sakura thought. “Getting closer.” 

“Angel?” He asked, and she froze, sucking in a sharp intake of air, before letting herself collapse to the ground out of her push-up. “There it is.” He damn near purred, completely satisfied with himself. 

“I hate you. I’m renouncing you as my sensei.” 

“You would never!” Kakashi said, mock scandalization in his voice. 

“I don’t even like that name.” Sakura pouted.

“Sure, sure.” He smirked. 

Sakura hid her smile in the grass. 

The names stuck after that. Particularly any variation of baby and angel. 

She knew that Kakashi didn’t play favorites, not anymore, at least, but she couldn’t help but love his attention, any way that she could get it. The boys teased her about the names, but she couldn’t even be mad about it because it made her so god damned happy. She felt special. 

Kakashi made her feel loved in the way her parents hadn’t and the way she’d always craved from her peers. 

And if she slacked off every once and awhile just to hear him call her a special nickname, well, she would always deny it, and he would never call her out on it. 

 

(break)

 

“You feeling okay, Sakura?” Shizune asks over their thirty-year-old patient. 

“I’m fine.” Sakura says. 

“Then why aren’t you focusing on the patient?” Tsunade asks curtly. 

“Sorry, shishou.” She mutters, trying to think of some excuse to placate her. “I haven’t been feeling well I guess.” 

Tsunade looks stricken for the briefest of moments before hiding it. “Do you think it’s too soon for you to be back?” 

“Possibly.” 

Sakura stares down at the blue glow of Tsunade’s hands over the patient. A shinobi back from a mission. He’d been carried in by his distraught teammates, saying he’d been hit by some type of wind sword. They brought him in in plenty of time. This man will survive. He will be able to go home to his wife and children and teammates. 

Kakashi didn’t even die in battle. 

How the fuck is this even fair? 

And now all she can think about is him haunting her house without her there and how she can't touch him. She'll never be able to touch him again, and her stomach roils. She excuses herself from the operating room. 

No one bothers her. She sits in her office, staring at the clock, bouncing her leg in anxiety, until it’s five o’clock and she’s able to go home. 

Sakura runs the entire way. Heart in her throat she can’t even manage to say hello to Ino properly; all she can focus on is getting back to him. 

She’s so afraid that her mind made him up out of grief. 

After frantically trying to get her door unlocked, she stumbles inside, looking around desperately for any sign that he may still be here. 

Kakashi is nowhere to be found, but on the ground are her panties, carefully arranged to spell out the words “Welcome Home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! I'm so pleased that people are liking this. Thank you for reading.


	3. I Miss You More Than I Did Yesterday

On warm spring afternoons Sakura and Kakashi liked to sit in and under the large, overgrown trees on the outskirts of town. There he would read, and she would nap, or watch the clouds roll by. Neither spoke unless necessary; they simply enjoyed each other’s company in the slight breeze. Naruto was gone, and Sasuke a deserter, and, somehow, they managed to find an unspoken comfort in the other’s presence, despite not having much in common. 

It was hot everywhere but in the shade, and it made Sakura anxious, being sweaty and warm and not because she was training. If it was that hot in springtime, there was no way she was going to last in the blistering summer sun. This weather would kill her, surely, she would complain. 

Sakura had always been dramatic in a way that she could never shut off, no matter how hard she tried. No matter how unappealing it made her to the opposite sex, or how it stressed her out unnecessarily. Something was always bothering her, and that bothered her immensely. 

Recently it had felt as though she was crawling out of her skin. She was having trouble understanding herself for the first time, which made deciphering other’s actions even harder. Her body was changing, and storing chakra was becoming more intense. She wasn’t used to her body doing things she didn’t tell it to. She was tired of always aching. Everything felt different. This new body and life was upsetting in ways that she could only express through anger. 

She was immeasurably lonely when Kakashi-sensei and Ino weren’t around, while also finding no comfort in her parents. Half of her teammates were gone and there she was: stuck, left behind again to pick up the crumbling pieces of their lives. She worried relentlessly about bothering other people. 

Training with Tsunade gave her a purpose, but it felt empty when she was alone. It was hard to see the point in getting stronger when the friends she was trying to keep up with were gone. Kakashi was always telling her to get stronger for herself, that others shouldn’t matter, but she had a hard time seeing past her loneliness. 

People mostly avoided her anyway. 

Her strength and anger earned her a reputation that scared most people away. The nurses at the hospital tended to steer clear of her and their childhood friends didn’t want much to do with her. The only boy interested in dating her was Lee and the only boy that didn’t mind spending time with her was her sensei. She felt pathetic. 

And there they were. 

“Sasuke’s never going to love me, is he, Kaka-sensei?” Sakura asked from below him under the tree one day the year she turned sixteen, unsure of every move she made, sorrowful in the pit of her heart. Drama, always drama. 

Kakashi looked at her then, putting his book down, and regarding her seriously, like he didn’t think she was ridiculous for still holding a candle for Sasuke. “No, baby.” He shook his head. 

“Is it because something’s wrong with me?” 

“Sasuke will never learn to love anyone. It has nothing to do with you.”

Sakura’s throat felt tight, nodding in understanding. “I think I’ve always known that.” 

He nodded back to her. “You’re a smart girl.”

“My mother says that boys who are mean to you actually like you. I can’t be that smart if I believed that.” She sniffled. 

Kakashi gave her an exasperated eye roll, full of fondness and annoyance. “Anyone who believes that is a fucking moron, but you’re a kid. You’re not supposed to know what you’re doing. Your mother, on the other hand, is a different story. Find someone who’s a real man first and then you’ll see how you deserve to be treated.” He smiled, like he knew something she didn’t in all his wiser years. 

“Thanks, Kaka-sensei.” 

“You know I’ll always tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.” 

 

(break) 

 

Getting ready for bed is an experience.

Knowing that Kakashi could be somewhere in her bedroom while she gets ready is somewhat nerve-wracking, yet exciting, in a weird way that she never thought she would experience. 

After cleaning up her underwear with a grumble (and a smile), Sakura made herself dinner and, unfortunately, ate alone. There was no feeling him there, but she guessed he would show up sometime. Idly she chatted to him, in case he was around somewhere listening, while she cleaned, and then decided she would turn in early for the night. 

Sakura still doesn’t feel much of his presence, but she assumes he’s there somewhere. She’s so afraid that he’s gone for good that she tells the air that he’s a pervert anyway, just for good measure. 

Her eyes stay closed as she takes off her clothes. She doesn’t know if she’s afraid of him looking at her like this, or if she’s ashamed at how much she wants it. She’s extremely confused. 

When she’s finally naked, she looks at her dresser and wonders if she should start wearing something to bed. Knowing Kakashi, he would certainly put up a fight and insist that she remain comfortable. Obviously, she doesn’t need to change her habits for his sake. She decides that she doesn’t want to change her routine, lest she become unpredictable. 

Laying in bed, Sakura feels morbid and melancholy. Naked and sad, waiting for her dead sensei. 

She wonders what it would have had been like had he lived. What would their relationship have turned to, what would have happened to them? Would they have continued as polite acquaintances after everything they’d been through? Would they have reconnected on that mission and fallen madly in love like she had always dreamed? 

The picture of the original Team 7 sits on her bookshelf and she remembers – can feel, can almost grasp it – her sensei so clearly. 

The devotion, and love, and commitment she felt for not only their team, but for him specifically. Comparing every man she dated to her sensei because he was the only one to ever treat her right. He was the only one who never changed. 

Kakashi was the male figure she should have had at home, and he was there, and he loved her even through her faults when her family could not. He never expressed his feelings and certainly never told her he loved her, but she knew. She’s always known. 

For this, how could she not be grateful and love him? 

This Kakashi is dead, but he’s the same, and still as unavailable as ever. 

She feels cheated. They should have had many more days together, like when they spent their time in that tree. 

She doesn’t cry, though she wishes she could. 

Sleep comes late without him by her side. 

Around three in the morning her bed dips, and it stirs her, just barely. It’s no more than a whisper, but she knows it’s him. A phantom memory of his smell is there with him. 

“Where were you?” She asks sleepily. 

“I used up my strength leaving you that message. I got tired, that’s all.” Kakashi says, brushing her hair out of her eyes. She shivers. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

Ice-cold, imaginary lips press into her forehead, and she’s back in dreamland without a fight. 

 

(break)

 

“Can you try to cross it?” Sakura asks, looking at Kakashi over the threshold of her doorway. 

Kakashi doesn’t reply, just continues staring at the door frame. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just thinking.”

“There’s nothing to think about, just come over here. Either it works, or it doesn’t.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? You can’t tell me you don’t want to come outside. You’ve been stuck inside for days now.” 

“Of course, I do.”

“Then come on. Are you scared?” Sakura teases. 

Kakashi gives her an indignant look before slowly making his way through the doorframe. He makes it, stands right in front of her, and she lets out the breath she didn’t know she’d been holding. 

“See, everything is fine.” She says, trying to sound reassuring. “Now you can follow me everywhere. You could even go out on your own if you wanted to.” 

His nose wrinkles at that. 

“Why are you giving me that face?” 

“Who would I want to go see?” 

“Naruto, Guy, Genma- someone other than me, perhaps?” 

“Well, I’ll be going out with you today, I suppose we’ll find out if anyone else can see me.” 

Sakura feels a cold sweat at her back. “I hadn’t thought of that.” 

“What, how the village would react to seeing you walk around with a ghost?” 

“Exactly. What will we do if they can see you?” 

“I don’t know.” Kakashi shrugs. 

“What about Naruto? He would be heartbroken to know that you’re hiding from him.” 

“Do you really think I want people seeing me like this?” 

“Well, I don’t know, I just think he’d be happy to see you any way that he could.” 

“Sakura-chan, I think this is something we need to keep to ourselves.” 

“I guess. People would probably think that I’m crazy.” She shrugs. 

“But they think that already.” 

“Asshole. Let’s go. I have shit to do.”

 

(break)

 

Kakashi does indeed follow her everywhere, through all her tedious errands and one awkward greeting of an ex-boyfriend. No one can see him after all. This means that he feels the need to be as obnoxious as possible. 

Up and down the streets he dances around her as she walks to each destination, running up walls with a lightness she’d never seen from him while he was alive. He’s acting like the teenager he should have been given the chance to be. 

His laughter makes it hard for her to concentrate on what Kosuke, the ex-boyfriend, is saying. He’s telling her about his wedding, like she cares at all when they only dated for a month. Kakashi is mocking him behind his back. Her lips keep twitching, and she wonders if perhaps Kosuke thinks she’s fallen ill by the way he keeps frowning at her. She congratulates him on his new marriage and excuses herself. 

Sakura tries to mutter under her breath for Kakashi to leave her alone, but he won’t. He tries his hardest to get her to crack, to laugh and acknowledge him. A cold hand settles on her shoulder, and she shakes from it. 

“Come on, Angel. I’m funny.”

“You’re not, actually.” She says, but her mouth is scrunching and she’s close to finally laughing. “You’re embarrassing me, and no one can even see you.” 

“Sakura-chan?” 

She knows that voice anywhere. 

“Oh, hi, Naruto!” Sakura says, turning to face him. She smiles easily. 

“Yo.” Kakashi waves. 

“Were you… talking to yourself?” Naruto asks, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Probably,” She laughs. “I guess that’s what loneliness does.” Kakashi frowns.

“Well, let’s try to fix that.” Naruto smiles at her. “Sunday night dinner sound okay? Just the three of us, promise.” 

Kakashi beams, she can tell. It won’t just be the three of them. 

“Sure. That’d be lovely.” 

“I’ll let Sai know. Same place as usual, eight o’clock.” 

“All right, see you then.” 

“Bye, Naruto.” Kakashi says. 

Naruto kisses her cheek and she watches him sprint back towards the Academy. 

“He’s been working so hard lately.” She comments. 

“I couldn’t be prouder.” 

Sakura looks at him. “I wish you could tell him that.” 

“Me too.” Kakashi says quietly. 

 

(break)

 

The days pass by quickly with Kakashi by Sakura’s side. She’s getting used to him always just being there to talk to, or just to have as a quiet companion. They’ve set boundaries where he cannot follow her (into the bathroom), and he helps her clean when he’s feeling strong enough. 

Sakura sometimes forgets that Kakashi is dead. 

The closer they get the more it worries her. What will happen when she’s forced to be without him again? 

 

(break)

 

“I miss you.” Sakura whispers, like a secret he already knows, but she needs to say out loud. 

They’re laying side by side on her bed, facing each other. She can see the faint outline of him. 

It’s late. 

Kakashi’s tired and fading. He’s been with her all day. 

“I’m right here.” 

“I can’t touch you. That’s all I want.” 

His sigh makes him sound old. 

“Believe me, I wish you could.” 

There’s a memory tugging at her by the hand, one where she’s small and is tucked safely under his arm. He’d saved her, like always. Then the next, where she’s tall enough to push her face in the crook of his neck, crying because someone broke up with her. How he smelled, how the skin there was soft and warm, how he held her like she was something precious. 

The longing of not being able to do the same now. 

She wonders. 

“Why didn’t you tell someone? You didn’t feel well.” It hurts to ask. The underlying accusation, how could you do this to me? “Akira is a great medic, he could have helped you.” 

“Death doesn’t always have to have a reason.” He replies tiredly.

Her hand raises before she realizes that there’s no point. She wants to hit him. 

“Don’t give me that bullshit.”

“Do you really want to know?” He asks, eyes closed. 

“Of course, I do!” Her voice sounds rough and harsh in the quiet of her room. She tries to slow her breathing, hating how her anger gets the best of her. 

“It was an accident.” He admits. 

“What?” She asks, and she can’t whisper anymore. “How could it possibly have been an accident?” 

“I didn’t think I was as sick as I was… and then I felt myself dying. It was the same as before.” Kakashi looks extremely guilty, and she feels tears run down her cheeks and into her hair. “I tried to leave my tent, but it hurt to move, to breathe. In the end I couldn’t even make a clone.” 

Sakura tries to reach out to him, and when her hand goes through him she wails, burying her face in her pillow. 

“I’m sorry.” 

It’s the first time he’s ever apologized for anything, and she hates that it took him dying for her to hear it. 

“Don’t, don’t, please.” 

“We hadn’t been right for a while, I know that. I shouldn’t have left things the way I did, but I didn’t do this on purpose.” She feels the bed dip, and his hands are running down her bare back. It’s cold, like always, and not him – not what she wants – 

“Please, go away.” She cries. “I can’t be near you right now.” 

“Okay.” He whispers. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Sakura can tell the second that he disappears from the room, and she regrets telling him to leave. 

She cries herself to sleep. 

 

(break)

 

After Sakura’s breakdown and Kakashi’s confession, they don’t talk about what happened. Kakashi gave her the look he always had when he felt bad about something, but didn’t know how to voice it. She had silently forgiven him, agreeing to let it go, and so they returned to normal.

Except, nothing felt normal because she could feel herself depending on him more and more. Something in her heart was clinging to him more than it ever had before, which could only lead to more heartbreak in the long run. Falling for him feels like a mistake that could cost her her life. 

That Sunday night, Sakura and Kakashi walk to the restaurant to meet Naruto and Sai. 

After spending an hour trying to figure out what to wear and getting increasingly more frustrated, Kakashi had decided for her. He pointed to the things he wanted her to put on, and as she put on each piece he watched intently, giving her his opinion as they went. 

Sakura looks down at the dress she’s wearing, that Kakashi picked for her. It’s a black, backless dress that he bought her for her twenty-first birthday. The dress was expensive, something that he knew she would never buy herself, because she was so careful with her money. He never bought them anything, ever, and so it felt like an incredible thing for him to go out and buy her something. She wore it once and then never again because she was afraid of ruining it. She hopes that he knows how special it is to her. 

It feels incredibly intimate, knowing that he wanted to see her in these pieces, from her necklace, down to her undergarments. This is all him. 

It almost feels as if she’s all his. 

She’s trying not to think of it like that. That hurts too much. 

When they arrive, Naruto and Sai are waiting in front for her, talking quietly to themselves. The boys look extremely handsome, both dressed in black, like her. She’s amazed at how grown up they look, when in her head they’re still sixteen. They smile when they see her, and it makes it impossible for her to keep from smiling back. 

Kakashi’s hand stays at her back as they walk in, guiding her and letting her know that he’s still with her. 

The three are sat at a table in the back of the restaurant like requested. It’s darker than most places, which is why they like it; it’s less attention grabbing and allows them to eat in peace without people trying to talk to them. Naruto tends to attract a lot of attention as the Hokage. 

“How have you been?” Naruto says seriously, glancing up at her over the menu. 

“We have not seen you since the funeral.” Sai adds. 

“I know. I started work again.” Sakura replies, sipping some water. 

“How is it being back?” Sai asks.

“It’s been hard, I won’t lie.” She admits. “I’m trying to get back into the swing of things.” 

“Baa-chan came to talk to me.” Naruto says. 

Sakura’s eyes flick up quickly. “Should I be worried then?” 

“She’s more worried about you.” Naruto sighs. “She thinks maybe you need some more time off.” 

“I agree with that.” Kakashi says from behind her. Sakura ignores him. 

“What good are you if you can’t complete surgery?” Sai asks bluntly. “That is your job, Sakura, to take care of the wounded. If you are not focused, someone could die.” She feels her hands begin to shake. 

Kakashi whistles lowly. “Sai’s still got it.” 

Out of habit, she swings her head back to glare at him before she realizes what she’s done. She turns back around, even angrier than before. “Thank you so much, but I’m perfectly aware of the specifications of my job.” Sakura snaps. 

“Hey, you know we’re not attacking you. If you’re not ready to be there, take some more time. No one’s gonna judge you for it.” Naruto smiles knowingly. 

“Thank you, I’m sorry. I’m just… dealing with this in my own way, albeit badly.” She admits. 

“We worry about you.” Sai says, taking her hand in his own. 

“I know, but I’m okay. I promise I won’t go if I don’t feel up to it.” 

“Thank you.” Kakashi says. 

Sakura wants to say that she’s not doing it for him, but that would partially be a lie and she can’t talk to him anyway. 

“Enough about me, one of you boys tell me something interesting about your week.” Sakura says, putting on her best smile and trying to seem encouraging. She doesn’t want to talk about herself anymore. 

Kakashi stands behind her the rest of the dinner, and at one point holds on to her shoulders, as if he’s sucking energy out of her. It’s cold, and maybe a little draining, but she can’t bear to move away from him. She would give him anything he asked of her. She would rip her heart right out of her chest for him if he so demanded. 

She's so far gone. 

She tries to give Naruto and Sai her full attention, but part of her will always be focused on Kakashi. 

 

(break)

 

When they’re finished eating, they say goodbye a few feet away from the restaurant. Sai says his goodbyes first before running back home to his apartment. She watches him go, amused at how normal he manages to be now that they’ve been friends for so long. 

Sakura tries to leave after Sai, but Naruto grabs her by the hand, regarding her seriously. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting weird.” 

“I’m fine. It’s just been harder without him than I thought it would be.” Sakura’s not lying, at least. 

“I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t.” Naruto murmurs. 

Sakura sucks in her bottom lip, eyes welling up, and trembling. Naruto always knows how she feels underneath everything, all the bravado and false anger. She can see Kakashi from the corner of her eye, and she doesn’t want him to know, doesn’t want his questions. “But I do.” 

“Should I feel guilty because I sent him on the mission? I’m the Hokage, it was my order. Did I send him to his death?” Naruto asks simply, pulling up his shoulders in defeat. 

“No, Naruto, of course not.” Sakura whispers hurriedly. 

“Then why do you feel like it’s your fault? You had responsibilities here.” 

“If I had gone with him, I would have checked on him. He would still be alive if I hadn’t said no.” Sakura takes a deep breath, wringing her hands together to try to calm herself down. “I didn’t go because I was angry with him. How can I live with myself knowing I could have saved him if I had stopped being immature?” 

“That’s not fair.” Kakashi interjects, but she can’t, and won’t, look at him. This conversation is not for him.

“If you keep thinking that way, it’s gonna kill you.” Naruto says. 

He’s right, she knows that. 

"You need to just drop it." She says, defeated. "I'll be fine." 

“I know, I'm backing off now." Naruto laughs, scratching the back of his neck. "You know it’s funny, I could have sworn Kakashi-sensei bought you that dress.” 

“He did.” Sakura smiles. 

“I like it. It looks good on you.” 

“Thanks, Naruto. Tell Hinata I said hi.” 

“I will. I’ll see you soon.” 

After saying goodbye, Sakura and Kakashi walk home in silence, Sakura biting the inside of her cheek the entire way. She takes off her shoes because her feet hurt. 

“Sakura, we need to talk about what happened.” 

“Why?” 

She keeps walking, heels in her hand. 

“Because what if that’s the reason I’m still here?” Kakashi’s face looks open and honest. “What if that’s the reason I can’t move on?” 

“I’m not important enough to keep you here.” She says. 

He materializes in front of her and she gasps, stopping still in her tracks. “You were the only important thing I had left.” 

“Talking about it means acknowledging it happened, you know.” 

“I know.” Kakashi pulls down his mask, and immediately she drops her eyes to the ground. “I’m finally okay with that.” 

“I don’t know how to believe you anymore.” Sakura whispers. 

Kakashi raises her face to his with two fingers under her chin, and she melts under the cool of his gaze. “Same as you always did. You know I’ll always tell you what you need to hear. Now it’s your turn to tell me what I need to hear.” 

“Okay, sensei.” She says, transfixed. This is the first time she's seen his face. 

They run the rest of the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this chapter omg. It gave me such grief. lol. I can't say that I'll be putting out consistent updates cause I'm literally not consistent in any aspect of my life, but I so so so appreciate everyone reading and reviewing. The next chapter will go much more in depth into their relationship and maybe we'll start trying to figure out why tf he's still here. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. ♥


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